Children Teach, Children Lead

Children Teach, Children Lead

My niece, Andrea, has stopped smoking recently and is reporting on Facebook that she has reached month number one of no smoking. Smoking cigarettes is a strange thing to do: burning leaves and inhaling the chemicals that result. So much poison and disabling crud in each puff that one would think no one enjoy it, much less smoke enough to become addicted to the nicotine that cigarettes deliver. People smoke for many reasons, but always, in the end, it’s the addiction that drives the habit.

After being a smoker myself for fifteen years, I knew I wanted to quit. Doing so is not an easy thing. I wanted to become a non-smoker. I hated how the cigarette companies seemed to own me. They could make me do strange things, such as go out in the middle of the night in a snow storm just to buy a pack. During the fifteen years I smoked, I quit many times, only to start again after a day or two.

In early 1985, I was in the market for a conversion van. I loved the look and utilitarian nature of a full-size van, especially since I was keeping cars together with duct tape and would enjoy having a newer vehicle. Raising three kids, ages four, five, and six, the van seemed a perfect fit for the family. They could spread out and relax as we traveled to hockey games and tournaments, which was a lot of what we were doing then.

I looked at quite a few vans in February, test driving and comparing features. The best option was a van that we all agreed was the right color and comfort. After pricing the van and working the salesperson for the best deal, I brought home the numbers to cogitate and try to mesh with the budget. But the numbers wouldn’t work.

I told the kids I just couldn’t make the money work, that the van was too much for right now. I thought maybe we could swing it in another year. The kids seemed to listen to what I said, but other than being a little disappointed, none of them said anything. They all looked at each other and went upstairs to their rooms. I remember feeling sad that they were so accepting of our monetary fate, that they so easily turned to their next pursuits. I thought they were more excited about getting the new van.

After 15 minutes or so of unusual quiet from upstairs, about as much time as I took to smoke a cigarette or two, I started to go up to see that they were doing. Suddenly, they were noisily coming down the stair to talk to me, and they were very excited. Josh was carrying his jar of money, which was more full than I remembered it being. They had a plan and wanted to make me part of it.

The way they spoke to me was the most interesting part. They talked in turns. They spoke using plural pronouns, about “us” and “we” and that there could be some sacrifices to get what we all wanted. They said they’d contribute their saved money, which they’d pooled. They said they’d give up their allowance for as long as it took to help the budget include the new van. And they suggested that maybe I could give up something, too.

My cigarette pack was lying on the table next to me. I was amazed when Darren pointed to them and asked, “How much are those costing the budget?” At that time, cigarettes were 95 cents a pack, and I was smoking a pack or two everyday. That made it around $45 every month, around the difference in the budget for getting the van. I’m sure the kids didn’t know that, but the lights came on in my head. I was literally burning the money that could help us get what we wanted.

I could not say no to their plan. We talked about what it would mean to have me stop smoking, that I might be grouchy or even feel sick for a while. They said it would be worth it.

The next day, I signed the papers for the van. We had to wait another day to take delivery. That was March 1, 1985. I stopped smoking that day, a pack with four or five cigarettes sitting on the table for a week after. I never smoked again.

There are so many gains to not smoking. The house smelled better, especially after I had the curtains cleaned and washed the walls. It’s amazing how the smoke gets everywhere and on everything. Quitting was the best thing I’ve ever done.

I’m so happy for Andrea and her success so far in giving up cigarettes. I know how hard it can be. I was grouchy, felt flu symptoms, chewed coffee stirrers until my jaws ached, just to get through the first three or four weeks. By the time I made my first year as a non-smoker, we’d taken the van to California and back, and traveled around Michigan with our sailboat. Such great memories. The kids helped take good care of the van. It was theirs as much as mine, and we kept that van for ten years and 160,000 miles.

My kids taught me one of my greatest lessons: Children can lead. We need only listen to them.